It has been quite the week+ for us as we attempt to help Ellie's body get the fungus back under control. The equivalent of about 5 ounces of pureed acorn squash over two days time created such an incredible bout of eczema we are still amazed. It has taken me until now to get myself under control as well.
There really is no way for me to express the let down that occurred when what I thought was a new safe food for her was actually not safe at all. After 9 months of such a restricted diet on GAPS I thought for sure the God of the universe would be kind enough to show her progress with acorn squash, and rejoiced at what I thought was an answer to prayer. As I watch other FPIES-kids-gone-GAPS pass up Ellie in the realm of foods and healing, it is easy to get caught up in questioning and wondering what 'makes her different'. Why in the world I always fall back to that is beyond me- Except there is no secret in (always) admitting that I would be the first Israelite back on the train to Egypt. I would be the first to shout: things are bumpy! this is not what I had planned! must not be God! load up - back we go! get your mud brick making gloves on folks!
Alas, I spent the last week sobbing in our huge green rocker while Ellie cried 'owie owie owie' all night long. I spent the week kicking the dirt, and throwing up my hands, and comparing our progress with everyone around. I spent the week re-reading books, and medical articles, and having zippo grace for my family, friends, and even that stranger at Target. Most often I was just standing somewhere and crying. This normal SUCKS. I even busted out my Bible and read through Job, just to try and get some perspective.
It is incredibly amazing to me how I can float through life in the middle of blessings, surrounded by love and being held so obviously in God's hand while He meets Ellie's (and the family's) every need, and yet when things get out of kilter and tough, all of that goes to the side and BAM-O! It's like a Batman comic book where I feel as if SPAT! CRACK! JAM! I'm losing the battle against an evil villain.
Oh wait. I was.
Yesterday I was not asking for a conversation when I finally heard God. He asked me about my altar. And He reminded me that my children are not my own. And as I was yelling "All aboard for Egypt!", He so faithfully stepped in and said "HEY! What makes you think that YOU are in control here and that YOU can see everything? At what point did you decide you love her more than I do? Or that regardless of all circumstances surrounding her in this damaged and decaying world, I was not in control? Hold FAST."
Hold Fast. Over the last two years I have often heard those words repeat in my head. They actually come from a song by Mercy Me where the chorus says: Hold fast, help is on the way, hold fast, He's come to save the day.
And as I asked forgiveness and said thank you for grace, I was reminded of this verse (Psalm 121):
I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.
Casting Crowns has done an amazing job of capturing this verse in a song which always brings me to my knees. (video HERE)
But enough for my pity party. Hold fast, friends. He is always on His way. Can't you see Him?