As I prepared for yet another new doctors appointment for Ellie, I am baffled at the amount of scars that were festered. I suppose there are some things that will always be painful to relive. The unknown, the confusion, the feeling alone...all as my toddler was dying from the inside out.
That one is still hard to even write.
I have been praying all week for clarity and direction. I have been praying for comfort and for hope, and for knowing that this is the right next step. And He has been faithful. He always is.
If you have been on this journey with us from the beginning, then you know how critical things became for Ellie. You know how far she has come, you know how far we have come as a family, and you know how far the journey has stretched me. And you know the nervous anticipation that surrounds this appointment tomorrow.
It was not until yesterday that I finally found myself in a place where I could pull it together and begin to make notes on her medical history. Not until after I had a chance to process through the first part of my recent conversation with God. You see, I realized that He has been very clear on this journey.
He has said: I will provide.
He has said: I will take care of her.
He has said: I love her more than you ever could.
But He has never said: I will heal her.
Never. And with this came the realization that after 29 months of fighting to fix her, I have a sick child. Indefintely. No matter how much we do, or what science says, or what doctors know, she may stay sick. It is His choice, and her testimony.
These hard lifestyle adjustments and months of sleepless nights and fighting for answers shows me that the only place I really should be is on my knees. This is an imperfect world. This is a place of sickness, and disease, and terrible tragedy.
What He does promise is that through all things He will bring good. (Romans 8:28)
What He does promise is that He gave her a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
He made her. He knows her inside and out. He knit her together in my womb. And He loves her.
Tomorrow we head to an entirely new experience...a holistic MD. And I am letting go, and letting Him take control (or at least trying hard to).
And I am grateful. Grateful that while He has never said He will heal her this side of heaven, He also has never said He won't.