I have been angry at doctors in the past, and it has been a process coming to understand that they did the best they could with the information they had - that they truly did not know they were hurting Ellie. I vowed to move past that, accepting doctors for their limitations and faults. And I vowed I would be the advocate for my child, because I know her best. I would be in control and we would not be pushed around. Until this experience I had no idea how the details of my new resolution had affected my faith.
There are so many things I wish I had done differently that day. I most certainly will never schedule procedures for more than one child on the same day ever again. I was wrong to want them so sedated, especially in a dentist office. And I was wrong to not be part of the procedure, even providing the restraint if needed. I had made the best choices I could, after much consideration and prayer. I prayed, and had others praying, and am confident this was the path we were supposed to walk down. But I have no idea why. And I have been questioning it for two weeks.
It has taken over a week to not cry at the memory of those crocodile tears, or the disappointment that the procedure was not even completed. It has taken over a week to talk about it, or acknowledge my anger even with my husband. It has taken over a week to shake feeling defeated, and sad, and question God. It has taken almost two weeks to begin the process of letting it go and forgive myself for doing the best that I could - and to believe that I had heard from God and that we had walked the path we were meant to.
For almost two weeks I have questioned my discernment and my ability to hear God. I was certain this was the dentist we were to go see. So what happened? How could something go wrong? This was not how it was supposed to turn out! While grieving the consequences of this experience, I forgot that God was in control of the outcome as well. I had become trapped in the idea that as long as I was following the will of God, nothing could go wrong.
God operates outside the laws and limits of our physical world. That is what makes him GOD. We pray, we ask, we petition, and we get answers that are not always the ones we want to hear. There is still poverty. There is still famine. There is still disease. And there are still medical procedures that go wrong. Because He is a sovereign and faithful God I know that He allows these things to bring about HIS will - not mine.
After several days of praying and hearing 'nothing', a friend called and said: Have you heard anything? I said NO! I hear NOTHING! I was truly grieving. She responded with: Then there is something I am supposed to tell you - He sees.
I instantly felt my body relax. HE SEES. He sees us. He sees my children. And He knows.
Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
My questioning came during a very important week. We are making some major family adjustments and some of them hit this week. One is my taking leave from work for the year. August 1 I should have been headed back to work, and I am not. We are down one income, and I am adjusting to a year at home. (And I really do love my job by the way.) A year of recouping and focusing on helping Ellie progress, along with an entire list of other things. We are beginning a new chapter for our family in many ways, and it is extremely scary. It is not what we had planned for our family.
But my girls? They are worth WAY more than any sparrows. He sees them. He sees us all. And He promises each of us a future and a hope. And I got my little reminder that I am not the One in control.