Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Rest of the Story

("Botched" part two)

We arrived at the dental surgery appointments with nervous anxiety.  We had preconceived ideas of how things would go, and I comforted myself by reminding myself it would go quickly. They were ready to go when we got there.

Ellie went first.  I took her back to the room and placed her in the chair, and then ran out to the car to get the Valium bottle we had forgotten so that they could log it in her chart.  They covered her with a blanket to make her comfortable, which was my first major mistake.  I allowed that, which in retrospect was a major invasion on her little sensory issue body.  Fine for 99.9% of the population I am sure, but was not o.k. for Ellie.  Then again maybe not.  It seems a bit scary to me for any 3 year old to be put into a dentist chair and then covered with a blanket.  When I got back I was asked to wait out front and told it would be better if I was not in the room.  I figured since it was a fast procedure and I was not thrilled with the idea of watching, that would be o.k.

Time went on and she was not done. We were reassured several times that she was fine, not crying and just sitting in the chair. They were waiting for her to go to sleep. This bothered me tremendously, as we were told prior to coming that the goal was *not* for her to be asleep, just 'relaxed'.  Time ticked on.  We had an additional dosage of Valium left, because per doctors orders I had dosed her low.  We didn't know how much she would need.  They asked how I administered it and said they were going to give her the remaining dose.  Uhm...O.k.  I said I would get her water and they said, no worries we have ours.  I was not prepared for this.  I froze. And I totally regret allowing this.  FPIES complications allow for cross-contamination fears and I did not like the idea of them feeding her anything with anything.  Was the water filtered? Did they use a cup with wax? I decided that one time, small amount would be fine.  It did not occur to me until later that Ellie barely lets her daddy and I feed her anything.  Had she been scared that they had fed her? How did they get her to take it?

I also had not gone back to the room to check on her.  Every time I got up I was reassured everything was fine.  She wasn't that far away, and I didn't hear her crying.  I was told she was asleep, and then told she wasn't, and then told they were just waiting for her to go to sleep. And then told the dentist gave her nitrous oxide, and that he had checked and it was perfectly safe.  At this point I began to get angry, but felt totally and completely trapped. I desperately wanted this procedure done and successful, but had no information on laughing gas, was not told it was a possibility, and the idea that they found a document saying it was 'FPIES safe' was laughable alone. Those types of documents do.not.exist.  We were an hour in.  And at this point I did not go back to check on her; I took their word that she was o.k.  I regret it terribly.

At this point we were so far behind they said they were going to go ahead and get Big Sis situated and ready.  My anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed because immeasurable. Two kids in separate chairs at the same time.  We went back with Big Sis to the room next to Ellie.  They also gave her a blanket, and another dose of Valium since she wasn't sleepy enough.  She was a trooper.  She had no fear and barely wanted us in the room.  Daddy said he was going to check on Ellie. I said I couldn't look or I would just go get her and the procedure will be done. And that's what I should have done. I should have gone and got her and called it quits then.  I thought I was doing the best thing by staying away because she would not go to sleep if I was there. She HAD to go to sleep for them to do the procedure.  She MUST have the procedure. We don't have the money to go to anyone else.

Daddy said he thought Ellie could hear us in the next room and she was stirring.  I told Big Sis to talk quieter and was horrified.  All three of us were next door where she could hears us, and she was alone and scared.  We backed to the wall between and I peeked in on Ellie.  She was not moving and I couldn't see her clearly.  She was being monitored but I couldn't stand it anymore and went in. Daddy followed close behind.

What I found will be etched in my mommy mind forever.  I have never, nor do I ever wish to see again, the look of fear that was on her face when we approached the table. I don't really remember what happened in what order for the next 45 minutes or hour.  She was wrapped in a heavy blanket, her body stiff as a board, her mouth clenched shut so that her jaw muscles were visible and her eyes huge.  She was not crying.  She was not moving.  I was worried about the medication so I checked for breathing. It was shallow but there. I asked her if she was breathing ok and she nodded a little.  She never opened her mouth.  She saw us but did not move, or even turn her head.   I stroked her forehead and said 'mommy is right here'.  Large crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks but she still did not cry or relax her jaw.  At some point we backed out of the room to try and get her to sleep. Somewhere in there we heard Big Sis start to cry and I went to comfort her. I had told Ellie I was right there and going to check on Big Sis.  As I walked away her lip began to quiver and more tears.  Big Sis was ok. Her fear and crying was from the shot of Novocaine.  It was impossible to be in both places at the same time. I heard Ellie call a cracked "mommy!"  Daddy stayed and kept an eye on Big Sis, and I hurried over to her.  She was sweating.  I pulled back the blanket and her arms were stiff and stuck to her side, her fists clenched.  She did not hold her comfort bear.  'Owie lip' she said.  That was from the novacaine shot.  It wasn't until the next day that I realized she was so afraid to open her mouth that she didn't cry, and she didn't call out for me.  That makes me want to vomit.

I picked her up and comforted her.  It took many minutes for her to relax and for her breathing to return to normal.  Maybe if I held her she would go to sleep and they could do the procedure?  No way.  It didn't take long for her to continually beg to leave to the other room.  I can't say I blame her.

Procedure done for Big Sis, and called quits for Ellie. Big Sis did great and he had to 'cut more than he had thought, and he could have cut more'.  We received instructions on how to care for the revision site.  For Ellie, we were told they had started and done one quick swipe with the laser but it was nothing to even check on.  It was nothing that needed cared for and even worth mentioning.  Later I discovered a milimeter of a revision site when it started to tear at home and bleed.  She would not let us near her mouth and I had not known.  I thought there was 'nothing', so I had not even given her motrin or homeopathics for pain.

By the time we left we were stuck in construction and traffic.  It took us over 4 hours to get home.  Maybe 5.  I cant remember.

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