Friday, July 8, 2011

The Uncomfortability of Healing

Today I wanted the old normal back.

I walked into the bathroom and found Ellie eating Moriah's new toothpaste. Soon after she was climbing in the pantry and begging 'pleeeease' for a larabar. I cried. Some days it is just so hard to see Holland as a great place to be, when I am so surrounded by Italy and all that it represents. Even if the old normal isn't the healthiest, or the safest, or even the 'coolest' place to be, it is always EASIEST.

Today I wanted the old normal back.

Probably because today I am particularly tired. I find myself more susceptible to thoughts of deception and self-pity when I am zapped of energy and resources. It makes it easier to look backwards and get a glimpse of life with those rose colored glasses on. On these days I often laugh and say I would be the first Israelite on the train back to Egypt. I am weak!

Today I wanted the old normal back.

I am insecure that we have different rules for eating, that my children are restricted by choice, and that the knowledge I now have makes other people uncomfortable. I am tired of telling my five year old no, or caving and then watching her erupt in tantrums or complain of a tummy ache because I could not be strong enough for her.

Today I wanted the old normal back. But tonight I feel better.

Tonight I am reminding myself to go to bed on time. I am ashamed that I doubted God would provide. I am humbled that two community members I have never met called me to say I could share eggs from their family chickens until ours are laying. I was encouraged by a conversation with someone I had never met who said 'good job, your grandchildren will thank you.' And I take a deep breath, and force myself once again to look at the tulips.


5 comments:

  1. *Deep sigh* I can only imagine the struggles of such huge changes, a never-ending learning curve, dealing with other people's perceptions (and hence, judgement) on top of just plain fatigue. You're running the good race, my friend, and I hope that you can relish in knowing that you too will one day hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant" from the Only One whose opinion ever mattered. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And, besides, who ever said Italy is all it's cracked up to be??? Holland and the tulips are gorgeous, just like your little family! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your "weakness" and your struggles always help me to find my strength. We all have our moments of weakness and in each other and the eyes of our children, we find renewed strength. I hope you got some sleep!! I'm sure those 2 beautiful faces were up bright and early.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will second Rebecca with a resounding "here, here"!! Thank you for continuing to journal your progress as well as your struggles...it helps those of us in the trenches with you.
    (and look- I have access to my commenting in blogging again- I think it's something wrong on my laptop!) ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my Nichole, This one brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry. The days when we are tired are so much harder. My sister always says that she personally is vulnerable to spiritual attack much more when she is tired. Those lies and whispers from the enemey can seem to loud sometimes. For me the enemy creeps in WHEN I look backward. God has told me that I cannot look back. It may not be that way for everyone, but looking back for me always results in attack. I remember Philippians 3:13: Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

    He is with you Nichole.

    I miss you! ; )

    ReplyDelete