This week I have been going through the pantry and reorganizing, cleaning, and attempting to get it under control. Our switch to a grain-free home has changed some of my needs, and a year of crazy has made every closet in the house an out of control mess. As I was moving items, tossing items, and debating what to put where, I spied a shelf full of Nutramigen AA. Formula. Corn. Nutrients that sustained Ellie along with damaging corn that set her back months, all rolled into a can.
I began grabbing the cans and hauling them into a pile in the hallway. Good riddance! And then I stopped. I was struck by fear. Just this week we cancelled the prescription and will not be getting any more. Letting go of this should be great, and signify progress. But I stopped and second guessed myself. What if we need it? What if she has to go back on it? What if something happens? What if ? What if? WHAT IF????
I can not live in the what if. I also can not let myself go back to the treatment that did NOT work for Ellie. No matter how crazy mainstream may think it is, I must stand firm, and we must plug forward. There is great fear in letting go of that formula. It was nutrition in a can - how much easier can you get than that?!? We could still go places, we could do things, we could pack it up and hit the road. Now, not so much. And the pull towards the 'easy' will always be there. But I now know too much, and there is simply no going back.