Shortage. And My Pity Party.

The local Henry's became Sprouts and no longer carries Ellie's liver.

The local Trader Joe's is out of her safe lamb.

The farmer who provides her safe pork was not at the market this last Sunday.

The farmer who provides her safe beef has been unable to get liver and is out of marrow bones.

I was told at the farmer's market last Sunday that zucchini is done. Her one safe vegetable is now out of season and goes from $1.50 per pound to $3.99 per pound.

Our chickens are still two months away from laying.

Access to wild game is dependent on friends.

We are in a shortage. And if feels like a famine.

.......hello. This is Ellie's mama.

Normally I write about Ellie. But today, I write about me.

This was not my dream. This was not my plan. This was not my normal.

There has not been a single.time.in.my.life....where I woke up and said RIGHT ON! I get to spend all day searching for soy and corn free meat to feed my baby in one of the riches countries in the world... that same country full of doctors that laugh at the medical research which shows why my child can find healing through GAPS....where it is so much easier to give a can of powdered nutrition than to actual find real food that is safe. Nope. I most certainly did not wake up this morning celebrating that.

I most certainly do NOT celebrate living in little suburbia with the large lot that holds a play structure, and a sand box, and a BBQ patio, and room for grass and a raised garden bed, only to realize too late that it can't sustain a cow or a pig or a goat to feed my baby.

The 'burbs. Neighbors and block parties, reliable internet and pizza delivery, picket fence and running to the grocery store.

Not my normal.

My normal includes explaining why the whole family eats corn and soy free, or why we use homemade laundry soap. My normal exists somewhere between looking like the crazy crunchy Christian woman and trying to make others understand I am not judging their choices. My normal is when I get the crazy look from the 16 year old working at Trader Joe's because he saw the panic cross my face in response to 'We are out until tomorrow'. It is listening to the 'No really our new product will be better' explanation when the meat department tells me they are out of liver until further notice and I clearly want to kick him. And who exactly understands what it entirely means if I drop the ball and can't get a safe dinner on the table, resorting to take-out? That list of consequences would be an entire post in itself.

My joke about starting a commune has turned into 'how can I get some property for a few animals', and the reality of that has finally sunk in, sending me into a massive, depressive, pity party.

For some reason, perhaps because we have hit a rut with her three foods - meat, broth, zucchini - I have hit a bump myself. Perhaps because when there is a lull in the battle there is time to reflect. No. There is time for distraction.

Last week the hubby and I were blessed by some relatively new friends. Our bible study group who barely knows us since we are never able to attend (that new normal again) gifted us tickets to a Casting Crowns/Sanctus Real/The Afters concert. I went fully prepared to have my world rocked, and wondering what exactly God would show me. I had no idea that the opener for all there would be the most impacting. Lindsay McCaul is a new artist with a most amazing song titled Take My Hand. It is reflection on my favorite story in the Bible- the story of Peter - so passionate, so brave, so ready to take on anything. How He was riding in this little boat in the middle of an amazing storm, unable to see the other side to safety, when He sees Jesus coming towards Him in the darkness on TOP of the water. He calls out and says "If it is really you, call me out to walk with you!" to which Jesus responds with "Come on! Let's go!" Peter steps out, and takes only a few steps. Distracted by the storm around him he loses his focus on the One keeping him afloat. As he begins to sink He panics, calling for Jesus to save him. And without hesitation Jesus catches his hand and replies with "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?"

Exactly. My pity party is entrenched in fear. Can you relate?

(Lindsay is so new that there are no decent videos of this song on You Tube, so watch the one below keeping that in mind. And just in case you miss the amazing power to the lyrics, I posted those t00)

Take My Hand -Lindsay McCaul & Jason Ingram

I heard You say it, I know You did

You called me out into the waves and wind

And for a moment I was brave and strong

But now everything is going wrong

Didn’t You know that I’d be scared

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand

I could have stayed back where I was before

And never met You in this raging storm

You’re telling me that faith is all I need

But fear is all that I can find in me

Didn’t You know that I’d be scared

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand

Cuz I would be ok if You’d take my hand

I wouldn’t be afraid if You’d take my hand

All would fade away if You’d take my hand

If You’d take my hand….